Happy New Year, but it is going to be TOUGH!

2007 will forever be the year I lost my Mom, just as 2003 is when I lost my Dad. Who knows what the heck will happen in 2008? I am not looking forward to it, the first year without my both of my parents. If ever I needed anything they were the ones that I could ALWAYS count on. I find myself sitting here reminiscing about anything and everything that brings them to mind. Yeah, I was Daddy’s little girl but Mom and I were inseparable. Dad worked a lot on second shift, so when I got home from school, it was just Mom and me.

All three of us did so many things together, from camping at Washington County to our trips to Taylorville and also to West Virginia and Ohio. On the camping trips Dad and I kicked ass at fishing, we slayed the channel cat, but turtles ended up with them and all we had was a stringer of fish heads. Mom was the greatest Mom and the proof is that she put up with all my friends coming over to the house to study or just hang out. All of them told me repeatedly how cool they thought my Mom was. She treated them all like one of the family. When finals came around she knew that 5 – 10 there we all would be at the house cramming. Then there were the times when she would walk up to all the basketball games with me. Everyone knew Mama. She sat there with us loud mouth kids and cheered on the boys. Then we would walk home, with an occasional stop at Waldrup’s to warm up.

Both Mom and Dad supported me so much in high school and college. I was glad that I was able to come home on weekends to see Mom and Dad while in college. It was around that time that Zane was born and it was cool to see how much Dad and Mom enjoyed him. Not that they didn’t enjoy the other grandkids, but he was the first baby in a long time. Zane was Dad and Mom’s little man as well and my little buddy. Dad and Mom and Mom and I made many trips to get Zane and the weekends were so awesome for all of us. I have many videos of those times and they are priceless.

I have always said that I could never repay Dad and Mom for what they have gave me and taught me along this highway of life. As I sit here in this house, I remember all the blood and sweat Dad and Mom put into getting this house for me and also getting it ready for me to move in. A complete overhaul, from stripping the trim, repainting everything and the basement nightmare, they were there every step of the way. Then when minor problems would arise they would help. The only time Dad refused, Mom picked up the slack and that was when I had a snake in the house and I knew better than to call Dad. Mom came over with a coffee can and got the snake out.

I knew Mom was a very strong woman, but seeing her take care of Dad when he was stricken with cancer, WOW she was such an awesome wife. She did so much for Dad and she was having issues with her breathing and also shaking, but she hammered through all of it, because she said she was his wife and that was what she was suppose to do.

I am so happy that Mom came to live with me on Mother’s Day weekend, although it is really tough now. I got use to hearing her O2 machine. I keep thinking she is up there in her recliner watching GSN. We had our ups and downs, and I regret the downs, big time. Our last trip to Vandalia was so great. We went to Wal-Mart and got flowers to take out to Dad and Louie’s grave. Then we went and ate at Burger King and then went out to Loogootee and Griffith cemeteries. Capped off the day at Sweetbriar. We stayed a few hours at Sweetbriar, Mom was so happy talking to Peggy, Michelle and the rest of the ladies. There was much laughter that day. We had such a great time. We topped off the trip by going through the drive thru at DQ in Nashville. That would be one Pineapple shake for one Great Lady!

This New Year is going to be really tough on me, but thanks the two great people, I will eventually be OK. I just have to find my new normal again. Dad and Mom thank you for all of your help over the years, thanks for being such great teachers but most of all thanks for all of the fun and great times. Love ya, your spoiled rotten little brat.

First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear.
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
Was always most important the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Merry Christmas Everyone

A little space and time, Please

To say that the last few weeks have been rather rough is an understatement, and the days, weeks, months and years to come are going to be harder than hell. Mom went into the hospital on Saturday, November 24 with a compression fracture in her back. Then Sunday we found out she had a broken rib also. I don’t have a clue what happened and neither did she. We both tried to come up with how it happened. She had already spent a week at home in constant pain and Saturday it was too much for her to handle so we had to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital. In the beginning she was given Vicodin for her pain, but then that seemed not to help her. She was in immense pain by Wednesday, they double up the pills and at noon she was resting, but seemed to be getting weaker. Thursday was basically the same she was weaker. The doctor seemed pretty clueless also. Should I have moved her to a different hospital? I have asked myself that a million times. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment in Belleville so I took the day off work to be with Mom. I sat there from around 7 AM until I left at 12:30 PM. Her O2 level was around 90 and her blood pressure was low. All morning I watched the monitor and nothing was improving. The doctor had said he was going to have the heart doctor look at her. I hated leaving her. When I got back she was doing a little better. When I asked her how she was doing, she said she was getting ready to dance. That’s my Mama. Saturday when I got in there she wouldn’t really respond to me. She would squeeze my hand but that was it. I called Keith and Diane at my house and told them to come quick. Diane did get her to respond. Then the doctor came in with the bad news and asking about a DNR. My heart sank. WTF. She was in her with a busted back, what is going on? Diane started calling every one. One by one the family showed up and Mom knew everyone. She was just so weak and struggling for every breath. I wasn’t leaving I was staying with Mom and Keith stayed with me. All night I watch her, then at 4 AM the nurse came in to inform us that she had the MRSA virus (Staff Infection). I asked if the swab they took when she was admitted showed it, and was told that it came from a sputum culture from Wednesday. Once they got Mom in isolation she ate pretty good and seemed to be getting better. For the next week someone stayed with Mom all day and night. I didn’t want her left alone. I can’t remember what night it was but when I was asked to sign the DNR, I know now why Mom wanted 2 people in charge of her medical, she didn’t want one person going through all of that. I hated signing it but I knew what Mom’s wishes were. Afterwards I went in and held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I lasted until about 4 then called Mike and Sharon to come down, and at 6 I went home to get some rest, yeah right. I have been trying to remember when Mom stopped responding. I know one of my last nights that I stayed with her she talked my leg off. Some of it was good conversation and some of it was off the wall thanks to the morphine. She was so happy that Kevin and Caryn were getting a baby. She said Kevin needs a little boy. She also said we have a “Normal” family and she said she loved all of us. We had a good night. I wish I had been writing in my journal throughout this so I would know when somethings occurred. I know when Kim and I went down there that night when Keith was staying. I know they said she was saying “don’t, don’t” but she was out of it. Then the next day is when her lung collapsed and they had to put a chest tube in. Thank God for Dr. Charles talking and telling us why the chest tube should be inserted. It did make it so much easier on Mom. On Tuesday when Dr. Barkoviac came in to see Mom, he basically said Mom’s lungs were just wore out, something we all knew. I hated seeing her struggling, nothing seemed to be helping and that is when we decided that they wouldn’t put Mom through any more pain and discomfort. Hospice came in to make Mom comfortable. I stayed with Mom until about 12:30 that night and Keith and Diane stayed the rest of the night. As I sat there holding Mom’s hand I questioned every decision that I had made. I told her how proud I was to have her as a Mom and that she shouldn’t worry about any of us because her and Dad had done a great job raising us. I knew that I was saying so long for now, because I didn’t think she would make it through the night. Diane said she went really peaceful at 7:07 AM.

To honor Mom was the next thing that I had to take care of. The only thing she ever said about her funeral was that she wanted Kris Kristofferson’s “Why Me” played. The other thing that kept running in my mind was how many times I heard Mom say that she wanted all of us Morgan’s to go to Luster Chapel on one Sunday. She wanted to fill that church for Marvin. This was the church she went to as a little girl and then when she moved to Sweetbriar she went there with Aunt Clara Belle and the girls. Now I just have to make sure we can do it and hopefully Marvin would be able to do the service. An email confirmed that Marvin would do it, he would be honored to do it for “Aunt Betty”. So I had one song and wanted to come up with another, no problem whenever I think of all that Mom has done, Dolly Parton’s “Eagle When She Flies” is Mom! Next mountain was to come up with the eulogy. How can I sum up this wonderful lady’s life? I tried to start it on the day she passed and nothing seemed right. Eventually the words started, but only after staring at photos and just remembering. Kim came over to help and when she read what I had she was in tears so I knew that I had done OK. She helped me add a few more items then it was good to go. So we had the songs, the Luster Chapel, the eulogy, all we needed was the strength to get through the service at Coulterville and then the one at the church and cemetery.

Awesome Lady, Caring Lady, Funny Lady, Always Smiling and Laughing, I heard these many times and many additional things over that Sunday night and Monday morning. The songs tore me up on both days, which I knew they would. One Mama wanted and one I wanted because it described her so well. At the church Marvin read the eulogy from the heart and did a wonderful job, it was heartfelt plus he added some of his own memories. Then I lead the pack to the cemetery. We took Mama passed Grandpa & Grandma Lockart and then the old home place to Old Loogootee. I know Mama was smiling to see that little country church filled with Morgan’s, Lockarts, Stines and many friends and I know she busted up laughing when Megan said “I farted” and it echoed throughout the church.

It was the hardest day of my life, when Dad passed I had Mom to lean on and this time it was my rock that we were saying see ya later too. Not that I didn’t have any one there, God knows I know everyone is worried about me. If I had a dollar for every time anyone asked how I am doing. I just lost my Mama, how do you think I am doing? Don’t worry about me, my Mama and Pa did a great job with their spoiled rotten little brat. Yeah I am going to have my moments, and if I need anything trust that I will ask. Right now I just want my own time and I want people to quit looking at me like I am going to lose it. I will probably lose it but I will get it all back together, in MY time and in MY way and I will ask for help if I want it. I appreciate the concern, but if you know me you know I want my space and time to deal with losing this very special lady who will live in my heart forever.

Love you and Miss you, Betty Mae!

Betty Mae Lockart Morgan 1930-2007

This morning at 7:07 Mom passed away. She fought long and hard, but was just too weak. She will be missed by her entire Morgan Clan, but she will live forever in our hearts. Thanks for all the support and prayers. I am so glad that I was able to have Mom with me these last few months. Momma I owe everything to you. You and Dad have taught me so much. Your constant smile and laughter will be missed. You will forever be in my heart.

I love you so much Betty Mae.

Prayers and Support for Mom

Betty Mae and Jada Bird

Some of you already know that the battle Mom has been through. The Saturday after Thanksgiving she went into the hospital with a compression fracture in her back. She was in major pain. While in there we found out she has a fractured rib also. She didn't fall or anything. We don't know what exactly happened. Chalk it up to the not so golden, golden years. They were giving her physical therapy and pain management. Then around Wednesday she took a turn for the worse. She was getting weaker and more pain. I thought she was getting pneumonia. They finally gave her enough pain meds to allow her to rest. Thursday she was still weaker and still in alot of pain. Friday I sat with her all morning and watched her blood pressure and O2. They were really low. She seemed to be a little better that afternoon. Friday night when I left she was resting somewhat. When I got there Saturday, she wouldn't open her eyes but she would squeeze my hand. She was laboring so much just to breath. Keith and Diane came in and Diane got her to open her eyes and talk somewhat. The doctor then came in and said it wasn't looking good. We called the rest of the family. Saturday there was a string of Morgan's in and out of that room. Keith and I stayed with her that night then at 4 in the morning they informed us that she had the MRSA virus. They moved her into isolation or Podunk's version of isolation. They started her on an antibiotic regimen and morphine for her pain. It has been a slow process but she has made progress. She is eating better, now just have to get her up and moving again. Once the antibiotics are complete, we will have to move her into a nursing home for rehab, unless she keeps progressing, then I might be able to bring her home. She still has a long way to go. My family and I would like to thank all of you for your prayers and support. Plus Mom thanks you as well. Any time we tell her any one has called, you know Betty Mae she tells them thank you and not to worry. She is one tough lady, has to be, have you seen the clan she has raised and continues to support.

Keep the prayers and well wishes coming.

Thanks from the Morgan Clan.