A little space and time, Please

To say that the last few weeks have been rather rough is an understatement, and the days, weeks, months and years to come are going to be harder than hell. Mom went into the hospital on Saturday, November 24 with a compression fracture in her back. Then Sunday we found out she had a broken rib also. I don’t have a clue what happened and neither did she. We both tried to come up with how it happened. She had already spent a week at home in constant pain and Saturday it was too much for her to handle so we had to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital. In the beginning she was given Vicodin for her pain, but then that seemed not to help her. She was in immense pain by Wednesday, they double up the pills and at noon she was resting, but seemed to be getting weaker. Thursday was basically the same she was weaker. The doctor seemed pretty clueless also. Should I have moved her to a different hospital? I have asked myself that a million times. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment in Belleville so I took the day off work to be with Mom. I sat there from around 7 AM until I left at 12:30 PM. Her O2 level was around 90 and her blood pressure was low. All morning I watched the monitor and nothing was improving. The doctor had said he was going to have the heart doctor look at her. I hated leaving her. When I got back she was doing a little better. When I asked her how she was doing, she said she was getting ready to dance. That’s my Mama. Saturday when I got in there she wouldn’t really respond to me. She would squeeze my hand but that was it. I called Keith and Diane at my house and told them to come quick. Diane did get her to respond. Then the doctor came in with the bad news and asking about a DNR. My heart sank. WTF. She was in her with a busted back, what is going on? Diane started calling every one. One by one the family showed up and Mom knew everyone. She was just so weak and struggling for every breath. I wasn’t leaving I was staying with Mom and Keith stayed with me. All night I watch her, then at 4 AM the nurse came in to inform us that she had the MRSA virus (Staff Infection). I asked if the swab they took when she was admitted showed it, and was told that it came from a sputum culture from Wednesday. Once they got Mom in isolation she ate pretty good and seemed to be getting better. For the next week someone stayed with Mom all day and night. I didn’t want her left alone. I can’t remember what night it was but when I was asked to sign the DNR, I know now why Mom wanted 2 people in charge of her medical, she didn’t want one person going through all of that. I hated signing it but I knew what Mom’s wishes were. Afterwards I went in and held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I lasted until about 4 then called Mike and Sharon to come down, and at 6 I went home to get some rest, yeah right. I have been trying to remember when Mom stopped responding. I know one of my last nights that I stayed with her she talked my leg off. Some of it was good conversation and some of it was off the wall thanks to the morphine. She was so happy that Kevin and Caryn were getting a baby. She said Kevin needs a little boy. She also said we have a “Normal” family and she said she loved all of us. We had a good night. I wish I had been writing in my journal throughout this so I would know when somethings occurred. I know when Kim and I went down there that night when Keith was staying. I know they said she was saying “don’t, don’t” but she was out of it. Then the next day is when her lung collapsed and they had to put a chest tube in. Thank God for Dr. Charles talking and telling us why the chest tube should be inserted. It did make it so much easier on Mom. On Tuesday when Dr. Barkoviac came in to see Mom, he basically said Mom’s lungs were just wore out, something we all knew. I hated seeing her struggling, nothing seemed to be helping and that is when we decided that they wouldn’t put Mom through any more pain and discomfort. Hospice came in to make Mom comfortable. I stayed with Mom until about 12:30 that night and Keith and Diane stayed the rest of the night. As I sat there holding Mom’s hand I questioned every decision that I had made. I told her how proud I was to have her as a Mom and that she shouldn’t worry about any of us because her and Dad had done a great job raising us. I knew that I was saying so long for now, because I didn’t think she would make it through the night. Diane said she went really peaceful at 7:07 AM.

To honor Mom was the next thing that I had to take care of. The only thing she ever said about her funeral was that she wanted Kris Kristofferson’s “Why Me” played. The other thing that kept running in my mind was how many times I heard Mom say that she wanted all of us Morgan’s to go to Luster Chapel on one Sunday. She wanted to fill that church for Marvin. This was the church she went to as a little girl and then when she moved to Sweetbriar she went there with Aunt Clara Belle and the girls. Now I just have to make sure we can do it and hopefully Marvin would be able to do the service. An email confirmed that Marvin would do it, he would be honored to do it for “Aunt Betty”. So I had one song and wanted to come up with another, no problem whenever I think of all that Mom has done, Dolly Parton’s “Eagle When She Flies” is Mom! Next mountain was to come up with the eulogy. How can I sum up this wonderful lady’s life? I tried to start it on the day she passed and nothing seemed right. Eventually the words started, but only after staring at photos and just remembering. Kim came over to help and when she read what I had she was in tears so I knew that I had done OK. She helped me add a few more items then it was good to go. So we had the songs, the Luster Chapel, the eulogy, all we needed was the strength to get through the service at Coulterville and then the one at the church and cemetery.

Awesome Lady, Caring Lady, Funny Lady, Always Smiling and Laughing, I heard these many times and many additional things over that Sunday night and Monday morning. The songs tore me up on both days, which I knew they would. One Mama wanted and one I wanted because it described her so well. At the church Marvin read the eulogy from the heart and did a wonderful job, it was heartfelt plus he added some of his own memories. Then I lead the pack to the cemetery. We took Mama passed Grandpa & Grandma Lockart and then the old home place to Old Loogootee. I know Mama was smiling to see that little country church filled with Morgan’s, Lockarts, Stines and many friends and I know she busted up laughing when Megan said “I farted” and it echoed throughout the church.

It was the hardest day of my life, when Dad passed I had Mom to lean on and this time it was my rock that we were saying see ya later too. Not that I didn’t have any one there, God knows I know everyone is worried about me. If I had a dollar for every time anyone asked how I am doing. I just lost my Mama, how do you think I am doing? Don’t worry about me, my Mama and Pa did a great job with their spoiled rotten little brat. Yeah I am going to have my moments, and if I need anything trust that I will ask. Right now I just want my own time and I want people to quit looking at me like I am going to lose it. I will probably lose it but I will get it all back together, in MY time and in MY way and I will ask for help if I want it. I appreciate the concern, but if you know me you know I want my space and time to deal with losing this very special lady who will live in my heart forever.

Love you and Miss you, Betty Mae!