Carl you will be truly missed...

Kim called me early yesterday morning at work. She informed me that one of our buddies had committed suicide. Even as I am typing this I still cannot believe it. This guy was so genuine. We hadn’t seen him in quite a while, which I am kicking myself in the ass for now. We have all been in this vicinity and still we fell out of touch. I am sitting here thinking of all the awesome times we had. His smile brightened any situation. How you go from being so happy all of the time to actually taking your life? You know how the rumors go and we will probably never know what exactly happened, but we were told he told his wife he loved her then walked outside and shot himself in his driveway. WTF? How do you reach that point? Trust me ever since Mom passed, I have been through my share of emotions, but never once could I even imagine feeling that way. There are always options and people to help you. Then I think what if our little group had stayed in touch like we were back then. You know we all had each other’s back without thinking twice. I know I can’t drive myself crazy with the “What Ifs?” but damn. We would have let him know that he was loved and we could work through anything. This brings up the story of how people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime. What or who determines the length of time that people are in your lives? I guess bottom line is the circumstances that happen in your life determine your path. Even though we are all still in a 20 mile radius, we are worlds apart. We grow up and apart, but that is not to say that if we all met today that it would be just like it was years ago. OK so it probably wouldn’t be a kegger out at the ball diamonds, but it would be one hell of a BBQ with all their kids and spouses.

I send this out to our Buddy, Carl. Your shit eating grin and smile brightened up our lives. Kim and I could always count on you to give us as much shit as we gave others. We had some great times back in the day, doing nothing, but having a few and torturing others with our smart ass comments. You are truly one in a million and will be missed. Love ya Buddy!

In Loving Memory of Carl Ferguson

Forever and Always in our Hearts!

Welcome Anna Belle Lynn Morgan

Anna Belle was born on June 20th.

She weighed 5 lb 12 oz. and was 18.5 inches long.

The proud parents are Paul and Hillary Morgan.

Isn't she beautiful.

The circle of life continues for the Morgan family.

Yes, I am a Great Aunt again.

Love you, Anna Belle

All over the place

That is the only way for me to describe my mind. Here I thought OK, I made it through Mother’s Day, the Reunion and Father’s Day now I will have some smooth sailing. Boy was I wrong. Woke up last Friday everything was going great, was getting ready to walk out the door for work then BAM hit me like a freight train. Couldn’t stop the emotions, don’t know what triggered it at all. Knew I couldn’t stay home, knew work was the best place for me to get shit off of my mind. Thought I would be able to get myself under control by the time I got to work…NOT! Got to love the dark sunglasses, no one could tell and I made it safely to my cube, where I hibernated all day. Jumped right into my work and soon was focused my programming nightmare.
Did OK the rest of the day and when I went home, got out of the uniform and headed to see Jada and Sam, my rays of sunshine. Ended up taking Robbie and Cary up to the ball diamond so they could watch the game and I hoofed it around the track listening to my Ipod. Music soothes the savage soul. Also watched the game, seen some of the girls that use to play with Mercedes. Man have they grown up.
Next morning headed back up there cause they were all playing again along with the Coulterville girls. Seems funny to see them play now, they actually know what they are doing and are pretty good. Walked up to the ball diamond with Candice, Sam, Jada and Happy Ass. Rule number one never walk that far with them again or turn the Ipod up so I can’t hear them whine. They had Kim come and get them, not me I stayed up there. Was having too much fun watching these girls play ball and plus it kept my mind off of other things. I talked to Angie and Brandy, as usual Brandy is such a great sounding board. We tend to have a few things or should I say issues in common. Was a beautiful day up until the storms headed for us. I was going to walk home, but Brandy said she would take me. I was willing to chance it and step between the lightening strikes. Walked up to the door and seen a blue tail lizard, I have only seen those at Dad’s old home place which was Aunt Edna’s house. Another sign or what?
Sunday spent the day doing laundry and some things around the house. Did go over and get my Jada and Sam fix and while there I tormented the hell out of Cary. He is so coming out of his shell, but him and Robbie can drive you crazy with questions. These kids are so inquisitive, but I think it is just they want attention, since their parents are basically no shows. You know the kind that just want kids for the big tax check. These kids have been put through the ringer and are good kids, but don’t really have a chance in hell, because of their parents. Thank God Kim and Candice take them in and give them a few days of happiness.
Bought a DVD set and started watching 1 of 12 on Sunday. Get ready for this; I bought the Dean Martin Roast Set. Why you may ask, because I can remember countless nights sitting at home with Dad and Mom and watching these with them. Watched one DVD and I was rolling and could hear both Dad and Mom laughing with me. Dean Martin, Rich Little, Foster Brooks, Ruth Buzzy and many others. What is really funny is now I get the jokes, where before I would laugh just because Mom and Dad were laughing. Can’t wait to watch the next DVD. Guess what got another blast from the past coming…The Carol Burnett Show.

Laughter and music is what I need most right now, along with my rays of sunshine.

Signs, signs everywhere I look signs...

Let me tell you about something that happened to me yesterday. I get up and of course it is Father’s Day so I am not in the best mood. Also my back neck and shoulders are giving me fits because on Saturday I was on the road for 8 hours. 4 hours out to the Scott reunion and 4 hours back, it was a great time so it was well worth it, but that is the longest that I have been in a vehicle driving since about 5 or 6 years. So with my mood and pain I decided the pool was the best place for me. Hooked up my music and cleaned the pool, then got in and was floating on my hammock. Just me, myself and I floating in the pool, sun shining with a breeze so it is not too hot. Neck, shoulders and back pain slowly going away. It is so peaceful. And I am thinking of Dad and Mom. I am floating listening to the music and thinking this is the 5th Fathers Day without Dad and now Mom is gone too. Getting more depressed by the moment, then I just roll off the hammock and go under the water, I come up and when I open my eyes there sitting on the roof of my house are two doves staring right at me. Then I hear the song playing is Martina McBride’s “God’s Will”. It was a few minutes of me staring at them and them staring at me. Someone is looking out for me. Call me crazy, but that was a sign. Then the doves took off and flew over the field until they were out of my sight. That warmed my heart and the rest of the day was so easy to get through, cause if I even started feeling low, I pictured those doves staring at me, watching over me.

Just like the frog…after we got back from Dad’s funeral, the funeral director brought the flowers to Mom and Dad’s house. We were unloading them and Charlie went to reach for one and there was a frog in it. Yes it was real. Charlie grabbed him and put him out in Mom and Dad’s yard. Then told us that the frog was Dad’s way of telling us that he is OK. The funeral director said that had never happened and we proceeded to tell him that he had never dealt with the Morgan’s before, where anything is possible.

And just like with the deer…we got Renee out of the hospital on Wednesday. After work that week I would head over to Ivan and Renee’s to spend time with Renee and see if there was anything anyone needed. I would usually leave around 10 or 11 at night to head back home. Every night from Wednesday until Saturday when I would get to a certain area on interstate 153 I would see two deer along the road. Saturday morning at 5:30 AM I got the call that Renee was close to passing. I headed over and yes I did see the deer again that morning but this time there were three of them. Renee had passed before I got over there. In my mind I saw the deer as watching me and making sure I was making it home after long and emotional days and nights. Yeah Dad and Mom watching over me then when I seen the third one that morning I knew Renee was with Dad and Mom. That Easter morning while we were out on the deck waiting for Hospice to arrive, the sun was trying to peak through the clouds then some love from above started. It was snowing, the biggest snowflakes gently falling down. Jeremy said it best when he said it was confetti from the party they were throwing to welcome Renee home.

Maybe it is just my love for the outside and all its beautiful scenery and creatures, but just like King George sings about…I Saw God Today…whether it is through my Doves, Deer, or even a Frog...I cherish every moment and peaceful feeling I get from all my signs. It may even be a Dragonfly, right Angie?

Jada loves Uncle Keith

Check out this video and you will see how Jada Bird loves her Uncle Keith. All she wanted to do was look at him and give him "Eyes".

My Sunshine...Jada and Sam

These are the shining stars that get me through my tough days...my Bird and my Turtle or as everyone else knows them Jada and Samantha.

A couple more tough days to get through...

Just made it through Mother’s day now here is Father’s day staring me in the face. Same as Mother’s day all the commercials on the TV and radio, along with the constant SPAM emails about Father’s Day, it is killing me. It has been 5 years and seems like it was yesterday. Well it will be 5 years in September. Spent my time before Mother’s Day avoiding Wal-Mart and need to do the same now. Father’s Day cards right at the front when you walk in. I want to go over to them but know I can’t. I’ll do like I did for Mom, light a candle on that day and watch videos and cry my eyes out. Or my new favorite thing to do is sit on my picnic table and look over at Dad and Mom’s house and I can remember so many memories. Memories they do the body, mind and soul good. GOT MEMORIES?

This Friday is the Relay for Life. Talk about being so proud and eyes drowning in tears, watching Dad along with Kim walking his Survivor lap. Yeah he brought up the rear but he walked it on his own and had to listen to Kim the entire time, that is a feat in and of it’s self. This came up all of a sudden; thanks to a coworker for reminding me otherwise I might not have made it. Won’t be able to stay like I normally do cause we are heading to Indiana for the Scott Reunion. I’ll make my laps though and I will have Dad right there with me. Plus there will be laps for Renee, Jeannie, Rick, Bob, Aunt Betty, Uncle Denzil, Grandma’s, Uncle Jr., Larry W, Larry C, Chuck, Carl, plus many other friends and family and also the survivors, my big Bro Charlie and Aunt Edna. It really pisses me off at how this list keeps growing. Pardon my language but cancer FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!

If you haven’t ever been to a Relay for Life take some time out of your busy schedule and go. To see all the luminaries, especially when they shut off the lights. To see the survivors making their lap. To be able to stay all night and the energy resonating from the teams. To see all those names, especially the ones you know. What a way to honor mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends for the courageous battle that they are fighting or to memorialize the ones that fought battle after battle only to loose the war. Here is to hoping and praying for a cure for this dreadful disease.

Made it through 2 very rough firsts

Mother’s Day weekend was tougher than hell, especially since Mother Nature kept me from going to the cemetery to complete my task. But a week later on Tuesday, I was on vacation so I was on the road by 8:30 AM and headed to the cemetery. I was praying that I had loaded up everything I needed, but knew that I probably forgot something. I pulled in around 10 and the sun was starting to peek through the clouds. It was still kind of chilly but it was a beautiful morning and I was going to be spending the day with Dad and Mom. Started unloading the tools and all the landscaping items. First things first roll out the edging to let the sun warm it up so it will be easy to work with. Next dug out the trench for the edging. Dad probably would have had a cow because my lines were far from straight, but any one that knows me knows that I am crooked as they come. Next got out the plastic to lie it down, wasn’t windy but there were occasional burst and I think Mom and Dad were just trying to keep me on my toes. Now lets get that edging in place, everything was going great until I had to round the corner by Dad’s Naval Service plaque, took a little Morgan smarts but I got r done. Get all the way around and low and behold I am about 12 inches from reaching the finish line. Good thing I bought two things of edging. Next thing was laying the rock inside and remembering to get all my tools out that were holding the plastic down. See that is them Morgan smarts working. Five bags of rock and would you believe I need more. Time for a break and run into Vandalia and get some more rock. Only bought 3 bags and needed 2 more, but I will get them later before Memorial Day. Got the rock on and spread out, then added the landscaping stone at the foot on Mom’s side that my buddies from work sent when Mom’s passed. Put Keith and Diane’s flowers back on there and I think it looks good and Mom and Dad would like it. Made it back home around 4 PM. It was a beautiful day and it was just me and a couple angles watching over me.

McDonald’s breakfast…$4.00
Additional Marble Rocks…$9.00
Spending quality time with the best parents…PRICELESS
That all was day one of my vacation and was a perfect way to start and now time to focus on getting ready for the other first, which is our first reunion without both Mom and Dad, and also Renee. I just wasn’t ready for this at all. I took off the week in the hopes of keeping my ass busy. I did a pretty good job during the day; the weather was perfect so I was out in the yard. I played in the dirt, dug up trees away from my house and also dug some out of the fencerow and planted them in my lot. Then there is mowing and weed eating. Also built a small patio to put my picnic table on so I don’t have to keep moving it when I mow. See that is them Morgan smarts working again. When I wasn’t working, I would just sit on the glider I got that was Mom and Dad’s and you know who was gliding right there with me. And I live right by the house I grew up in so I could just look over there and man the memories flow like crazy. I see Dad and Mom over there quite often. Dad messing around in his garage, although he would kick Kim in the ass and tell her to clean that garage out. Then I see Mom messing around with her all her flowers, or both of them just sitting on the porch.

I had told myself that I would get a memorial video done before the reunion, but I was struggling making myself get motivated to start. When I would start looking at the pictures of Mom, Dad and Renee it was so surreal that I would walk away and go do something else. I still can’t believe they are not with us any more. I know none of them are struggling any more and it is all part of life, but nothing prepares you for this emptiness. Some say time helps well my experience is no it doesn’t. Maybe it will someday, but not yet and not until I say so. I was able to kick myself in the ass and I did finish the video. It is about 20 minutes long and I started with the video I made for Mom on Mother’s Day. Next were some pictures of Renee, then some of Mom and Renee and finally some of Dad, Mom and Renee. The songs were perfect or at least that is my opinion. I got up one morning and it was raining so I sat in front of the computer until about 1 PM and then it was done. Cried the whole time and every time I would watch it. Everyone really liked it. Heather, Jeremy and Jason really loved it so that made me feel good. Ivan didn’t watch it with us, but I know he has watched it. They are harder than hell to do, but they bring back so many great memories.

Reunion day – up at 5:30 AM waking up the neighbor to start grilling. Kim did a great job this year and like I told her, Herbie would be proud. Dad and her had many good times grilling and you know Dad was always giving advice and I have to say Kim kicks ass on the grill. I even went out there and she was feeding Keith and Diane’s dog, just like Dad would take care of Gator. By 9:00 AM meat is all done. Finished up around the house and loaded up the truck with the food and coolers. Jumped in the truck and looked in the passenger seat, someone’s missing. For 5 years since Dad passed I always took Mom and now here I am flying solo. Deep breath, start the truck and look up, I know they are smiling down on this Morgan clan today. Floor it and got a ticket on the way to the park…NOT, but that would have been funny wouldn’t it.

Reunion was good; we have our hands full with the next generations of Morgan’s. My great nieces and nephews are getting so big and that means I am getting older. That is OK, I am not growing up though cause I have too much fun with the little ones. We had our 2 little ones that were the stars of the show, Grey and Sam. Now they can always put a smile on my face. Aunt Edna, my Dad’s sister made it and that put a smile on all of our faces. That day we really saw where my Dad got his mischievous streak. Aunt Edna went and tied Jerry’s shoestrings together while he was sleeping in the truck, don’t believe me look at the pictures below. I know both Dad and Mom were smiling at that. Aunt Edna, who will be 90 this year, maneuvered her walker in between potholes and every thing to get the task completed. She is my hero. Ended with rain at the park, but we pushed on to Sharon’s where the annual poker game was held, plus the video showing. It was a great week as you can see from the pictures below. The minor flood in my bathroom was just a way to clean the floor and the floor in the basement.

It was a rough couple of weeks, but I did make it through. Thanks to Jada Bird and Sam for always putting a smile on my face. I also have to thank Loser and Scrappy cause Jada, Sam and I should be able to get a group discount for therapy in dealing with them. DOOMED! Just kidding, I love my neighbors, they are there when I need to talk or when I need a beer and I am out, at least that is what I tell them. There is one other nerd that I need to thank, just because she has the touch of pulling me out of a funk. All it takes is a phone call or a text message here or there. The simple phrase “Why do WE have to leave?”

Enjoy the pictures from the cemetery and the reunion.