Déjà vu all over again

If you read my blog you know that my sister-in-law, Renee just lost her battle with cancer. I am pretty much done with watching my loved ones suffer. I know that death is part of life, but…

After watching Mom go from talking to me and getting better to watching her suffer for 2 or 3 weeks and slowly slip away. Even though she always said she was OK, we knew different. Getting the call on Wednesday that Renee wasn’t doing well was another blow. When I got up to Barnes and seen her, it was Dad and Mom all over again. She wanted to go home and even though her Mom and a sister didn’t understand we knew that whatever Renee wanted, she was going to get. They got her home and Hospice was there to get her settled in. Hospice employees are unbelievable. I truly hope that anyone reading this doesn’t every have to deal with Hospice but if you have then you know what I am saying. Hospice employees are simply the best at what they do. When I dealt with them with Mom and now with Renee, all I can say is it takes someone with a very special heart to do what they do.

Renee was at home from Wednesday until Sunday when she passed at about 6:15 AM. I ended up going over there after work then spent Saturday and got the call early Sunday. There were times when I was simply amazed. Here was this lady that cancer and the treatments had ravaged her body, she needed help getting up and moving, yet when an old friend walked into the room she stood straight up out of her recliner without any help. Jeremy and I were both amazed and kind of worried cause neither one of us could get to her, but she stood strong and gave Jeff a bear hug then followed with a hug for Nancy also. She visited and later that night decided that the next day she wanted to have a BBQ and party, which we did. That night after the majority of people had left, it was just Jeff, Nancy, Renee and I in the living room. Renee was pretty wore out, but still was able to put Jeff in his place when he was talking about old times and how Renee looked good and Renee straight up told him, that he wanted her sister Gay, back in those days. Next morning with monitors and all, Renee was able to get out of bed by her self and get to the bathroom, before the others heard anything. Again this lady needed help to stand and walk because she was so weak, but still found a way to get up out of bed and to the bathroom by herself. The rest of the day Renee was pretty weak and not too talkative. At about 9:30 Saturday night Gary, Renee’s brother got home from Iraq. When he walked in that living room, Renee’s face lit up. She got the biggest smile and gave him the biggest hug that was a priceless moment. The next morning was when I got the call, that it wouldn’t be much longer. Renee was gone by the time I got over there. She was surrounded by her family.

Like I said it was déjà vu, at times it was like with Dad. Renee’s stare was just like Dad, looked like she was looking right through me at times. She had that gray tint that Dad had. If you asked if she was in pain, she never really complained just like Dad and Mom. Her lying in the bed was so much like Mom. People would sit by her and rub her arm or hand and that was how I was with Mom. I sat by that bed and held Mom’s hand and stoked her arm just so she knew I was there. Renee would say she was fine where Mom would say I’m OK. It was all just too soon to go through again. I am still struggling with Mom’s death. And I can’t even imagine what Ivan is going through. Something I want to leave with you, all of us know that losing someone we love, cuts to the core, but to see a loved one slip slowly away and their body deteriorate and fail is totally different so don’t say you understand, because unless you have lived through it you don’t have a clue and I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy. I understand you want to give condolences, but don’t say you understand when you haven’t any idea. My personal experience I just wanted to hear someone say if you need anything, I am here for you.

Now to get off my little rant there, I made a trip to Van this weekend. Went to the cemetery. Talked to Mom and Dad and asked them to watch over us especially Ivan, like they aren’t already. Had a nice chat with them all the time while I was playing in the mud. Took a couple of wheelbarrows of mud to fill in the sunken place so it will be ready for the next down pours. Yes, I get extremely sad, going there, but once there and I start talking, I feel them right there with me. If anyone would see me they would probably put me in a straight jacket. Heck, I should be in one any way. I forgot how good it makes me feel to write in this blog, going to close for now, but still have so much to say, so stay tuned…